Tuesday, May 17, 2011

slow news day


According to a group of traveling evangelicals this Saturday, May 21st is Judgment Day. Not the cool kind with Terminators, but the totally bogus kind with church. Basically they all get to go to Sunday school for all eternity and the rest of us are resigned to live out the cover of one of the better Slayer albums. Assuming that they're right and I've only got a few more days to live I've compiled a bucket list of achievable or likely items to accomplish before I die.

-mail "Bossypants" back to my mom before her book club (assuming the rest of her book club gets raptured as well, I'd like them to have something to talk about)
-go to a Red Sox game (I'm not a huge fan of baseball or the Sox, I simply know that I'll be going to a Red Sox game before Saturday)
-work less (so that as I'm dying I can opine "I wish I worked MORE!")
-let the chickens out
-chicken out
-listen to Slayer
-not listen to Morrissey (hopefully even if the world doesn't end)
-don't stop believing
-hold onto that feeling
-meet with Steve Perry
-meet up with Tyler Perry
-beat Steven Tyler up

Assuming that I cannot get this accomplished by Saturday at 6pm east cost time (they believe that the rapture obeys time zones for some reason), then I've also compiled a list of things that I regret never having done

-I never actually mocked a French person on how they say the word "chowder"
-I have never slam dunked a basketball on a regulation sized net.
-I didn't eat enough donuts (which is saying something because I've eaten a TON of donuts....maybe literally?)
-I never found the perfect pair of jeans. Only the perfect single jean. It was a beauty.
-I never got my portrait sketched in an article in the Wall Street Journal.
-I never "accidentally" flashed a photographer while getting out of a limo.
-I "accidentally" flashed a photographer while getting out of a Dodge Neon.
-I rode in a Dodge Neon
-I saw at least 3 "Fast and Furious" movies in the theater.
-I didn't get around to seeing the last two "Fast and Furious" movies.
-I never learned how to read.
-I never quite figured out how to convey sarcasm over the internet.

All in all, its been a good life and if it all comes slamming to a halt on Saturday then at least we'll never have to live to realize the horrors of a future full of History Channel specials showing which "Star Trek" technologies became a reality. We get it, they had the cell phone before there were cell phones. They also sent women into precarious situations that would require tactical space gear wearing knee high leather high heeled boots.

Star Trek sucks.